If there is a more divisive figure than Jesus in the history of spirituality please don't let me know who it is. I'm not sure I could handle it. Although maybe it's not Jesus who's really the divisive one. It might just be mainstream Christianity's presentation of him. No matter how hard some folks try to bread Jesus in a coating of extra crispy love, I still bristle at their “my way or the highway” description of him. I believe his sacrifice is all about love; but I can’t reconcile that kind of unconditional love with the dogma that one must accept him or forever burn in hell. Plus, I don’t even really know what it means to accept him. I’ve said the sinners’ prayer (several times) and sometimes I’ve even felt it was genuine. Other times it was simply motivated by fear or birthed from a CYA mentality. Either way, I'm still confused about what it means to "accept" him. What if I said the wrong prayer? Sometimes I have doubts, even though I "accepted" him, so am I still saved? I’ve been told that God loves us too much to take away our personal freedom, so we’re allowed to choose; but as the choice is typically presented, what a crappy choice it is. “My child, I love you so much I would never impose my will upon you. Now, accept me, or experience unspeakable anguish and torment in hell forever! Oh, and did mention how much I love you?"
So, do I know that my redeemer lives? In a word: no. I hope that he does; I choose to believe that he does. But I don't know. In fact, I have some lingering doubts that loiter (and probably smoke and tell dirty jokes,too!) at the back of my mind. They're eerily similar to the doubts that I had around the age of six about whether Santa Claus "really" existed. Of course, the net/net on that one is that while the particulars of his story may not be factually true, the beauty hidden within the particulars points to a larger truth: that selfless giving is life's greatest gift. Now, I'm not necessarily trying to equate the two, as they are different. I mean Santa Claus is often used to get kids to act right since only "good" kids get toys. Whereas, Jesus' sacrifice was given to everyone, saint and sinner, so no one would ever use Jesus to get people to act a certain way . . . oh, wait.
Anyway, it's this certainty that Jesus lives, that the Bible is inerrant, and that because of those two facts you must accept him that makes Christianity so unpalatable to me (and yes, I consider myself a Christian). If we could be more honest about when we have faith or hope versus when we have knowledge; and about how "accepting" Jesus does not always lift us out of the crap soup of life, then I think we'd go a long way toward making religion a real part of peoples' lives. We might even open the door to more meaningful exchanges with the un-churched (gasp!) and people of other faith traditions (hell-bound heathens!). Maybe, just maybe, if we left the agenda at the door, the power of relationship would unfold and the Spirit would do what it does without our mind-based interference.
I've reached a point in life where I want to be more honest about my spiritual walk, and my questions, so I hope I don't come across as a hater. Many years ago at a church service I attended a man walked onto the stage wearing a Jesus-esque robe. He walked over to a tall wooden cross and picked up a small bucket sitting next to it. He reached in and grabbed a paint brush and wrote LOVE in large block letters with red paint on the cross. He then simply put down the paint and walked off the stage. My mind stopped as I was touched by the power of that moment. It was pristine and sublime; and thankfully no words came to mind as they would have only sullied the beauty. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being loved and I was utterly grateful. The odd thing is, despite the fact that I have trouble with the party-line interpretation of Jesus, I still get teary-eyed when I think about the kind of love that motivates a sacrifice like the one we're told he made. When I really focus on God accepting me, warts and all, and being willing to die to show it, I default to the emotion of gratitude and sometimes weep."Thank you" is an insufficient response to be sure, but it's all I can manage in those moments. I don't know if that means I've accepted Jesus, but for now it's good enough for me.
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